“Oh, you’re a virgin?” The question people always ask me when they found out I haven’t done the dirty. I didn’t lose my virginity at prom the way all the coming-of-age films said I would. While my friends in high school were getting it on at house parties, I was giving myself over to other things – yearbook, the school newspaper, honor society. There was nothing quite as hot as planning a fundraiser in my opinion.
So, you could say my high school experience wasn’t like everyone else’s. Losing my virginity wasn’t some box I needed to tick off before I graduated, although it sure did feel like it was something I should have been trying to do.
Going into college, people were shocked I was coming into freshman year without my cherry being popped. “Just get it over with!” said the girl who lost her virginity on a college couch that had more bodily fluids and beer than actual cushions.
My roommate for the first two years of college lost her virginity to a guy she met on Tinder. I didn’t want that. It’s not like I’m saving myself for anyone, I’m just picky, I guess? Meeting some guy on Tinder who’s just looking for a quick hookup is an easy way to get it over with. They aren’t super particular with the women they sleep with, so it would be easy right?
There was one guy I almost went through with. We were actually having a good discussion about music and I felt good about it. Until he told me to come over to his studio apartment to see his dick. So needless to say, Tinder wasn’t really for me, and I deleted my account and moved on with my life.
I started to think something was wrong with me. Like I would become the 40-year-old virgin. The society I grew up made it feel like being a virgin was a bad thing, to be branded with an identity that people put more care into than they should. Why did people care if someone was a virgin or not? Did they have something against virgins? Is it so hard to believe that in a world where most people are having sex, there are some that haven’t?
I find it interesting when people are surprised at my fun virginity fact, mainly because I’m not exactly the ideal candidate for men. I was always the fat friend and still am, and I knew my life wasn’t going to be like the movies. For one, no one in the movies looked like me and if they did, they were the comedic relief. And secondly, my body type wasn’t the ideal image for emasculated teenage boys who lusted over big tits and ass and Kim Kardashian. I had the big part down, just in the wrong places.
For someone who has never had sex or any sexual encounter for that matter, I sure do read a lot of smut.
“Wait, you’re a virgin? But you can read this stuff with a straight face.”
I’m just a Scorpio who grew up on fanfiction at a young age, I could read and write the deed without ever having done it. My secret party trick, if you ask me. Maybe that’s why no one suspects me as a ‘typical’ virgin because if they know me, they know I love me some smutty fanfiction. But then again, what is a typical virgin? A church girl saving herself for marriage until the bad boy comes along and takes her virginity? Seems cliché.
No one ever directly asks me if I’m a virgin. There was one time me and some friends were talking about her ex-boyfriend and when she lost her virginity to him.
“It wasn’t super romantic, you know? They barely know what to do with it.” She and my other friend laughed and when I didn’t, they looked at me.
“You’ve had sex, right?”
“Oh, that’s okay, it’s just okay but it is nice to just get it over with and not be a virgin anymore.”
Is it though? Maybe I’m just looking for something serious and not casual, but why do I need to get rid of my V card like a get out of jail free card? Sometimes I wish I could just let go of my morals and meet a random guy to have sex with, get it done quick and easy like everyone tells me, just to say I did it. I’m not waiting for my perfect match to lose my virginity to, I just want it to happen right. I don’t even know what right means, but there is a part of me that can’t just get it over with like others can. Something is always holding me back that at this point, when it happens, it’ll happen.
I can’t control everything, not even my virginity, no matter how many people tell me I can. I know there are others like me holding on to the V card for no particular reason. My roommates told me to redownload Tinder over the weekend, but I promptly deleted it after a guy messaged me saying he was “looking for some fun” while on a business trip. My virginity is not something I should be ashamed of; I shouldn’t have to be scared to tell people I’m still a virgin without them laughing in my face. Who cares about virginity anyway? This isn’t the fifties, no one needs to check my sheets on my wedding night. I can stick to my smutty romance books for the time being, gain experience, if you will, for the real deal, whenever it may happen.
Cover image by Alexis Scrima